My Soul Then Sings Read online

  Karlie waited at the crosswalk by Waverly Place when she heard a clap of thunder. A huge downpour followed. She pouted. “Perfect. Hours of straightening my hair down the drain in less than five seconds.” She wrapped her jersey tight around her waist and stomped toward her hotel suite, which was ten blocks away.

  Brian’s apartment was on MacDougal Street. Karlie bit her lip and debated. From her current location, his place was the quickest choice. Normally she wouldn’t hesitate to seek shelter at his place, but Jamaal’s comments had her rattled. Another huge boom echoed in the sky.

  Decision made.

  She raced toward Bleecker Street and made a sharp right on MacDougal. She felt like a bedraggled rat as she shivered from the cold rain. Racing into his building, Karlie waved at the doorman and jumped on the elevator to his floor.

  Karlie pounded on his door. “Please be here.”

  The door swung open.

  With a towel draped around a six-pack and well-defined hips, Brian took a moment to examine her from head to toe.

  Then his arm snaked out and pulled her in flush against his chest. He used his other arm to slam the door shut. Karlie exhaled as she came in contact with muscles that flexed upon impact. Awareness hit her being. Who was she kidding? Brian was every inch a man, and one who was definitely pleased to see her.

  Chapter Eight

  “Thank you, God.”

  It had to be God who had sent him to his son’s apartment. He had driven up into the city to see Brian and had spotted Karlie rushing into Brian’s place. His chest concaved, and Ryan had to take several deep breaths. He swerved down several streets hunting for a parking spot. It was divine intervention when he managed to snag one as a Nissan Altima vacated it.

  Heedless of the rain, Ryan sprinted. His heart pumped against his chest as he willed his feet to move faster. Rain pelted his Armani suit, but he didn’t care. He had to get to them. He had to stop Brian and Karlie.

  What’s Karlie doing there, anyway?

  His pants legs were soaked. His seven-hundred-dollar Church & Co. walnut-colored Chetwynd wingtip shoes were ruined, but Ryan didn’t care. He had to put a stop to what may be transpiring behind that door. It was untenable—unthinkable.

  Ryan strove to catch his breath and pounded on his son’s door.

  Brian opened the door. Ryan saw the surprise reflected on Brian’s face before a grimace formed. Brian wasn’t happy to see him. Well, that was too bad. He was coming in anyway. Ryan pushed his way in and closed the door. He greeted Karlie before facing his son.

  Arching his brow, Ryan asked, “Shouldn’t you put some clothes on?”

  Brian swiveled around to get dressed.

  Cupping his mouth, Ryan yelled, “And bring me a towel on your way back.”

  “I’ll get it,” Karlie said. She went to retrieve one for him and one for herself.

  As Ryan’s eyes followed Karlie, he couldn’t help but notice how she seemed to know her way around Ryan’s apartment.

  Taking the towel she offered, Ryan shrugged out of his jacket and tossed it to the ground. He dried himself off as best as he could. A puddle formed on the tile floor, but he ignored it.

  Ryan’s only focus was on the woman standing before him. Entranced, he only had eyes for Karlie as she busied herself wiping her face and using the towel to dry her hair. Ryan was unaware of his frozen stance.

  Karlie gave him an awkward smile and crossed her arms against her chest.

  With a start, Ryan realized he was staring, which made her uncomfortable, but he couldn’t help it. Just the sight of Karlie transfixed him. He did not afford himself this luxury too often because he was too afraid of what his face might tell—too afraid of the truth he had done so much to keep well hidden.

  He saw Karlie bite her lip and look heavenward. He knew she was searching for something to say to fill the void. Ryan held his empty hand out toward her. He willed her to come to him. He would have laughed at her pretense of not seeing his proffered hand if his heart hadn’t been crushed at her rejection.

  Eyes identical to his own tore into his soul before she admitted, “Mr. Oakes, you’re making me uncomfortable.”

  “Uh,” Ryan mumbled. “I—”

  What could he say? Karlie had good reason to think he was a sick, perverted old man. But he loved her. She was a part of him. He could deny it no more. At least not to himself.

  “Dad, you’re looking at Karlie like you’ve seen a ghost,” Brian observed with a chuckle.

  Ryan jumped. He hadn’t noticed when Brian had reentered the room. Thankfully, Brian had dressed in a light sweater and jeans.

  Ryan felt bemused at his son’s wisdom. He was looking at a ghost—a reflection of himself—

  His child.

  His daughter.

  Ryan adopted a blasé attitude, feigning ignorance. “Was I staring? I didn’t realize. My mind was miles away.” With a practiced smile, he addressed Karlie. “I didn’t expect to see you here, Karlie. I was caught a little off guard. By the way, where’s Jamaal?”

  On the inside, though, Ryan trembled. Here he was talking to Karlie as if everything was normal—when it was far from it. He had denied her existence. For five years, he had pretended as if Karlie was only a mere acquaintance. Was God paying him back for what he’d done?

  No, God didn’t do paybacks, but He did allow consequences—being saved didn’t spare you from that.

  Karlie looked down at her feet. “We sort of got into an argument.”

  Ryan’s ears perked up. Trouble in paradise. Hmm . . . “This wouldn’t have anything to do with your and Brian’s upcoming escapade, would it?”

  She squirmed. “Well, yes, among other things.”

  “Say what?” Brian exclaimed. He shook his head. “But we invited Jamaal to come along. Did you tell him we’re not doing this until summer? It’s only if you’re a hit that we would take off the fall semester. Plus, we can always change our mind. It’s simple paperwork to reenroll. I don’t see what the big deal is.”

  “That’s a long time for a couple to be apart,” Ryan said. He savored the indecision crossing Karlie’s face.

  Karlie twisted her hands together. “I’ve been with Jamaal forever. I don’t want to lose him over something like this.”

  “Karlie, if Jamaal really loves you, he’d support you,” Brian said. “You want to sing—make a name for yourself . . .” Brian’s voice trailed off. He searched to find the words.

  “All that’s good, Brian, but YouTube isn’t the way to do it,” Ryan said. “Karlie, you need to be in a studio rehearsing, honing your skills, not traipsing all over the world. It’s ludicrous, really.”

  Karlie placed her forefinger across the bridge of her nose and slid it down to the tip before landing on her upper lip.

  If that don’t beat all, Ryan told himself. He did the same thing when he was thinking. Genetics was amazing.

  Ryan’s conscience gripped him. His legs weakened, and his insides whipped him like brutal waves attacking the sea. He closed his eyes from the truth and covered his forehead with his hands.

  “Do you need some aspirin, Dad?” Brian asked.

  No, he needed to tell the truth and set himself free from this agony. Ryan shook his head. Sometimes he wished Brian was not so observant. With a calm he did not feel, Ryan said, “I’m fine, son. I hope you change your mind. Both of you need to come to your senses.”

  Brian took Karlie’s hand and pulled her next to him for support. “Dad, we’re going. At the end of spring semester, once we’ve handed in the last paper, we’ll be leaving for California. First stop—zip-lining.”

  “Zip-lining!” Karlie’s eyes were wide. “But I’m afraid of heights.”

  Brian nodded. “And I have the perfect remedy—Zip-lining.”

  “Zip-lining!” Ryan raged to Patricia that night. “He wants to go zip-lining! He must have a death wish or something, and there’s nothing I can do to stop them. He and Karlie . . .”

  Patricia placed both h
ands on her hips. “Oh, now it’s making sense. This is about Karlie.”

  Ryan reared back. “What?” Had she figured it out? He studied Patricia’s face but saw no signs of distress.

  “Yes, you’re attracted to her,” Patricia said.

  Oh no, she was way off base. “Whoa! I’m not attracted to Karlie,” Ryan said. “What do I look like, a pedophile? Where would you get such a ridiculous idea? She’s young enough to be my . . .” He stopped, unable to say the word.

  “Yeah, you think?” Patricia flailed her hands. “I had a hard time convincing Brian otherwise.”

  Ryan couldn’t hold back his surprise. “Brian? When did you have time to talk to him? I just left there.”

  “He called as soon as you left. After you made sure to drive Karlie home.”

  Ryan pursed his lips at her tone. Now was the time to confess and tell Patricia the truth. He looked into her eyes and saw her pain. “Wait. If you’re expecting a confession, you can forget it. Nothing happened with Karlie and me. I’m not interested in her. You’re the only woman for me.”

  He approached Patricia and massaged her shoulders. Leaning over, he kissed her neck. “You’re all I’ve ever wanted,” he whispered. “I can barely keep my hands off you. Honey, you must know that.” Ryan’s lips met hers in a gentle kiss.

  “Then why haven’t you touched me these past weeks?” Her lips quivered. “I feel like there’s a big gulf between us, and I don’t know why this is happening.”

  Yet another opportunity to spill the beans.

  He let it pass.

  Instead, Ryan chose the lake of denial. “There is no gulf. We’re fine.”

  Chapter Nine

  “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest,” Pastor Keith Ward said, quoting Matthew 11:28. “This verse urges us to cast all our cares on Him. And it’s true, if you put everything in God’s hands, you’ll find a peace you never knew existed.” Pastor spread both of his arms wide as he beseeched the crowd to come to the altar for prayer.

  From his seat in the fifth row, Ryan felt drawn to make his way down the aisle, but he stayed in his seat. He had entered Zion’s Hill Church that Saturday, heavy-hearted and weighed down from his lie. He had had to cancel several business trips because his head wasn’t in the game. At night, Ryan tossed and turned so much that Patricia had taken to sleeping in the guest room or Brian’s room, which bothered him to no end. Since their marriage, they had always shared a bed unless he was out of town. He couldn’t sleep without Patricia next to him. So, of course, he had been cranky.

  “What’s the matter with you?” she had asked one morning with troubled eyes. “You say there’s no gulf between us, but I know something’s wrong.”

  “I think my wisdom tooth is bothering me.” That had gotten him a trip to the dentist—which he abhorred—followed by a teeth cleaning and a filling.

  Ryan looked over at Patricia, who was nodding her head at whatever Pastor Ward was saying. She must have felt his eyes on her, for she turned toward him and smiled.

  Seeing her radiant face made him feel like a worm. After a perfunctory smile, Ryan looked away. He watched Patricia stand and walk down to the altar. He sat rooted in the pews while she received anointing and prayer. Ryan experienced a rare bout of spiritual envy. He wanted what she had, but he did not want to pay the price.

  It was not until one of the prayer warriors gave her a tissue that Ryan realized Patricia was crying. Why did he have the feeling that he was the reason behind her tears?

  Unfortunately, Ryan didn’t have time to ask her as one of the ushers approached to tell him that Pastor Ward wanted to see him. Ryan texted Patricia to go home without him while he made his way through the crowd to the side exit leading to the pastor’s office.

  Dianne Hupert, the pastor’s secretary, said, “Hi, Brother Oakes. Pastor Ward should be here shortly.” She tilted her head toward the door. “You can wait in his office if you’d like.”

  Ryan thanked Dianne and sat in one of the chairs across from the pastor’s desk.

  While Ryan waited, he thought about his path to conversion.

  Since its conception, Spababies blew up in ways neither he nor Michael had imagined. It morphed into exclusive childcare services for mall employees as well. Future surveys would show increases in job performance, attendance, and employee satisfaction because mall workers knew their children were safe.

  Spababies expanded into malls across the country. Now, England, China, and India wanted in on the franchise. Ryan and Michael had their hands full. Michael and his wife, Verona, had relocated to California to oversee the groundbreaking of Spababies in hundreds of malls. Ryan and Michael employed Verona’s law firm, Lattimore & Ward, to oversee every legal aspect of the expansion project. The senior partner, Nigel Lattimore, was the lead consulting attorney for their firm.

  He and Michael grew close, and eventually Michael extended an invitation to his brother’s, Keith’s, church. On his first visit, Ryan had given his heart to God. Yes, one message was all it took for him to see the light. Patricia had not believed him, but within a month, she also converted.

  The decision was easy. The walk was not. Life with Christ, he was finding, was 1OO percent sacrifice and O percent selfishness. Ryan sighed because he was still a work in progress.

  Pastor Ward rushed into the room with a burst of energy. He thumped Ryan on the back. “You want some water?”

  Suddenly thirsty, Ryan nodded.

  Pastor Ward retrieved two bottled waters from a refrigerator and threw one for Ryan to catch.

  Ryan guzzled most of the water and placed the half-empty bottle by his feet.

  “Brother Oakes, God directed me to speak with you.”

  Caught off guard, Ryan cracked his knuckles. “What did I do?” On the inside, Ryan pleaded with God, Please don’t tell him about Karlie and me.

  “I didn’t say you did anything.” Pastor Ward chuckled. “But you’re a new convert. God pointed you out to me. He told me He meant for you to lay out at the altar, yet you stayed in the seat.”

  “I can pray from my seat, Pastor. Isn’t God everywhere?”

  “If I had a dollar for how many people have said that to me . . .” Pastor Ward laughed. “Yes, God is everywhere, but sometimes He wants us to take the step of faith.” He zeroed in on Ryan. “God wanted you to do that today. I don’t know what it is, but I do know what He wants you to do.”

  Ryan nodded. “You’re right, Pastor.” There was no use denying it. He knew what God wanted him to do too. God had been speaking to him for weeks. Now, God was using Pastor Ward as His voice to prompt Ryan to man up and tell his wife the truth.

  Still, he wished he had not sat close enough for Pastor Ward to see him. Maybe he should change his seat. Ryan preferred to be close so he could soak in the Word. Michael had urged him to do so, saying the back rows were the gossipers’ and gamers’ lounge. He did not know if that was true, but it would keep him out of the pastor’s radar.

  Ryan sighed. There was nowhere far enough to keep him from God’s eyes. Pastor Ward prayed with him and offered words of encouragement.

  Ryan thanked him, and Pastor Ward drove him home. He remained quiet for most of the ride because Ryan experienced his first spiritual skepticism. While gospel music blared, Ryan wondered, How do I know for sure Pastor Ward was speaking on God’s behalf? He peered out the window. Pastor Ward had eyes. He had seen Patricia crying and wanted to find out if Ryan was the culprit.

  For all he knew, Patricia could have spoken to Pastor Ward about her concerns. Ryan didn’t ask him, though. He wasn’t bold enough to call the man of God out like that. He would, however, bring it up with his wife.

  Pastor Ward pulled up in front of his house. Ryan thanked him for the ride and waited for Pastor Ward to pull off before going inside. Patricia had dinner laid out, and Ryan washed his hands. He would play it cool.

  After dinner, Ryan suggested that he and Patricia go out for ice cream, and s
he agreed. He had pistachio, and she chose rum-raisin. Once they were enjoying their treat, he posed the question.

  “Patti, I saw you bawling your eyes out at the altar—well, everyone did. Sweetheart, what’s wrong?”

  His wife looked at him from underneath those long lashes of hers. “Nothing’s wrong, honey. Just talking to God. The Word touched me—that’s all.”

  Ryan knew she was lying through her peach-tinted lips, but who was he to call her on it when he had been lying to her for days—make that years?

  It’s time.

  Ryan’s ears tingled. It was almost as if someone clearly whispered the thought to him.

  He didn’t get where he was by giving in that easily. He refused to listen. Ryan studied his wife as she licked her spoon. His passion surfaced. Ryan wanted Patti as if she were a cold glass of water on a hot summer day. He took her hand and stroked it.

  No, he could not risk their marriage. Patricia could never know. Turning his back on his child was the one thing that would separate them.

  Many waters cannot quench love . . .

  That line from one of his favorite scriptures entered his mind. Again, Ryan didn’t take heed.

  Yes, but a daughter you denied you had would do it. It would quench their love for an eternity.

  Chapter Ten

  Patricia twisted and turned on her side of the bed. Not even the Tempur-Pedic mattress would help her sleep tonight because Ryan filled her mind.

  She had hoped that his conversation with Pastor Ward would have made him open up. When Ryan had texted her to go home because he had to talk with Pastor Ward, she had uttered a quick praise. But Ryan hadn’t enlightened her about his strange behavior.

  Tears again flowed. Maybe her hormones were out of whack, and she was overreacting, but Patricia could not help it. Never in their relationship had she felt herself questioning her desirability. But it had been a couple of weeks since her husband had touched her.