My Soul Then Sings Read online

  To make matters worse, Brian had psoriatic arthritis, which is why he felt such pain. Besides his lower back, his feet flared up sometimes. Lucky for him he could hide it. And he did.

  No one except his parents knew about his psoriasis. None of the women Brian had been with knew, and he planned to keep it that way. The condition was not contagious so he was not worried about spreading it to anyone. But he was afraid. Afraid of being scorned and rejected.

  Brian touched his lower back. His fingertips told him that this was a small flare-up. Relief seeped through him. That meant he would be able to function. He would know in a few hours if he would make it to his eleven o’clock class. Sometimes, the pain would become so unbearable that he cried like a baby.

  Brian curled onto his side. He took deep breaths to relax his body and mind. He knew from experience that he needed to rest. With quiet determination, he closed his eyes.

  “Lord, please,” he whispered into the night.

  No one knew he prayed. It was always just those two words, but Brian prayed. When it came to his condition, he had no other choice.

  Chapter Four

  “I can’t believe you’re seriously considering doing something so ridiculous!” Jamaal said, heedless of the throng of passersby in Washington State Park. Birds circled by the monument where he stood, but he did not care.

  Dressed in a wool jacket, battling wind-tossed hair, Karlie nodded. “I know Brian’s idea seems crazy, but it’s growing on me. I have been thinking about it nonstop for weeks.”

  The spring temperatures were delightful, but the winds were strong for April. Dusk was about to fall, but neither noticed as the streetlights would beam brightly enough to keep the park well illuminated.

  “But, what about me, the church—Neil, Myra, and Addie?” he asked. “What are we all supposed to do while you’re off on your grand adventures?” Jamaal stood close to her, eye to eye. His breath fanned her bangs.

  Karlie’s voice cracked. She touched his cheek. “Jamaal, I’m already torn at the thought of taking a semester off, but it’s not like I’m going to Timbuktu. I’ll still be on U.S. soil most of the time. I’m just living a little. It’s time I expand my horizon and broaden my experiences.”

  Jamaal huffed and moved out of reach. Steam emanated off his body as he continued his tirade. “Are you even listening to yourself right now? You sound just like him. Brian and his harebrained schemes! He’s in graduate school and still doesn’t know what he wants to do. He’s cool and fun to hang with, but he’s just too—I don’t even know the word. Now you’re going off with him to try some crazy nonsense like skydiving.”

  “Well, I suggested you come with us, but you’re being stuffy. As always.”

  He got in her face. “I’m not stuffy, and might I add, up until a month ago, you felt the same way I did. Well, I refuse to let the opportunity Tiffany gave to me go to waste. Your mother gave me money to better myself. If it weren’t for her, I’d be hustling on the streets. But here I am studying journalism as I said I would all those years ago. I won’t apologize for my ambitions.”

  Properly chastised, Karlie regretted her choice of words. Jamaal had been abandoned by his mother when he was a newborn. Tossed in the neighborhood garbage bin. Fortunately, his grandmother found him and raised him as her own. He lived in a dilapidated area all through high school before moving into Carlyle Court at New York University.

  Karlie shuddered remembering the smell of pee and debris scattered all over. It had been eye-opening for a girl from Los Angeles who was used to the finer things in life. From the revenue of his investments, Jamaal had purchased his grandmother a home in Uniondale. That was the only big purchase he had made besides paying his tuition and room and board.

  With a small voice, she apologized. “I didn’t mean it like that, Jamaal. I know what my mother did for you. I applaud her generosity, and it warms my heart to see how you excel at everything you do. You’re amazing—and ambitious.”

  Jamaal straightened. His eyes lost their fire, and he softened. “That’s why I can’t take a semester off, Karlie. I have to keep going. Besides, I’m the lead stepper for most of our routines. I can’t leave my frat brothers in the loop, and don’t forget basketball.”

  She nodded. “I know you feel I’m being irresponsible, but I’ve always done what’s expected. And where has it gotten me? Lukewarm results.”

  “This decision of yours has me floored,” Jamaal said. “It’s way out of character. I hope this is a fluke, and your common sense will return by summer.”

  Karlie smiled, but she knew her mind was almost 100 percent made up. Brian made it sound exciting. Secretly, she had envied his decision to take off and go backpacking on his own in Europe. “I want to live.”

  “You are living,” he said.

  She exhaled. “Ever since my mother died five years ago, I’ve not been living. I’ve been existing. I did all the right things, said all the right things, but . . .” She shrugged. “I can’t explain it. I feel unfulfilled.”

  Brian’s comment about knowing herself had really hit home. Seeing Jamaal’s mouth open and predicting what he was about to say, Karlie added, “I know I have joy in God, but He created a beautiful world that I have yet to see. Right now, I’m all boxed in.”

  “Then plan a European excursion or go on a cruise,” he said. “Don’t mess with your future.”

  The wind gushed at her skirt. Distracted, Karlie grabbed at the hem before she experienced a Marilyn Monroe moment. When she straightened, she saw Jamaal’s face. He wasn’t unaffected by the view of her long legs, and he was ready to ditch their previous conversation.

  He reached over to cup her face in his hands. The timbre of his bass voice deepened. “Let’s get out of here.”

  She felt herself respond but sought to steer both their minds elsewhere. “Let’s get moving. We’re going to miss the entire Bible study.” She looked at her watch for emphasis. “We’ve already missed the first fifteen minutes.” She grabbed his hand, then gestured that they needed to start walking.

  Jamaal remain rooted to the spot.

  She tugged again.

  “You know where I want to go,” he said. “My roommate is at his girlfriend’s tonight. So we can have the place all to ourselves.”

  Karlie reached over to kiss him full on the lips, and Jamaal’s long arms circled her waist. After a few seconds, she ended the kiss. “It’s not that I don’t want to,” she confessed. “It’s that God is there. He’s everywhere.”

  Jamaal rubbed his head and exhaled. “Don’t you think I know that? But I’m getting tired of feeling left out of the locker room conversations. That’s all they ever talk about, and I—”

  Karlie stormed off. He followed, as she knew he would. Her boots clicked as she pounded the pavement. “When you met me, I knew you weren’t a virgin, but you told me I was worth it. You told me that you could wait until marriage.”

  He kept up her vigorous pace. “You are worth it, and if I could marry you, you know I would.”

  Karlie stopped short. “You could. Thanks to my mom, you’re not destitute. So I really don’t get what the holdout is for.”

  He grabbed her arm. The wind howled, and his baseball cap flew off his head. Grunting, Jamaal sailed after it.

  Karlie tapped her heels and waited. She admired his well-defined physique honed from years of basketball. His forehead glistened when he returned. The two walked to the end of the block.

  She plucked the hairs on his beard and joked. “What a way to end a conversation.”

  “No, no. We’re not done talking. You’re not going anywhere if I have my say. And, to answer your question, I haven’t proposed marriage because I want to purchase your engagement ring with my own money. I wouldn’t feel right buying you something so meaningful with someone else’s money. The ring I put on your finger must be bought with my own hard-earned funds.”

  Karlie said, “That’s why I love you, Jamaal.”

  “So don’t leave me.
”

  Here we go again. It took some effort, but she resisted the loud groan. This was how all their discussions went lately. When he wasn’t trying to boycott her taking time off, Jamaal was talking about their love life—or lack of one. Lord, help me. He was driving her crazy, and it wasn’t as if she wanted to say no all the time.

  She knew she had to.

  If it hadn’t been for God, Karlie wouldn’t have made it these past five years. Neil had introduced her to Christ, and she read her Bible daily. But her flesh was rising up. Parts of her tingled. Her body was so ready.

  Karlie debated. What if Jamaal seeks release in someone else’s arms? Her heart revolted at that thought. Girls flocked the games. The groupies followed him around the gym, not hiding their intent. It was only a matter of time. Maybe she should just give in. What did he say? He had needs.

  Karlie’s stomach knotted at the thought. She had plenty to pray about.

  Just before they went into the study, Jamaal squeezed her hand to reassure her. But Karlie was far from reassured. She was scared.

  When she returned home from Bible study that night, she called Brian, but he wasn’t answering his phone. Karlie wasn’t too concerned, though. Brian sometimes retreated into his own world for a day or two. He’d pop up soon enough. Instead, she focused on her upcoming conversation with Neil and Myra the following night.

  As soon as she was done with her classes the next day, Karlie hopped on the train. She would then catch the Long Island Railroad and venture into Hempstead where Neil and Myra lived. Karlie housed her SUV in the Marlton’s parking lot, but she preferred taking the train during rush hour.

  She hailed a cab from the railroad that would take her to the place she had called home for the past five years. She smiled when she passed the pizza shop where she and Jamaal had hung out together on many occasions.

  In fifteen minutes, Karlie was in front of her home. She paid the cabbie and stood outside. She looked down the block. At the end of the cul-de-sac was her mother’s childhood home. Tiffany and Myra had been friends before her mother found fame. When Tiffany learned she was dying of cancer, she had packed them up and returned here to Hempstead.

  Karlie had not known it at the time, but Tiffany’s main purpose was to find Karlie’s father. When her stepfather, Clifford Peterson raped her, Tiffany acted out by being promiscuous. During the space of one month, Tiffany slept with four men, one of whom, she married. For most of her life, Karlie had believed Thomas Knightly was her father.

  It was not until Tiffany learned of her impending death that her mother had confessed. Tiffany was bedridden in the hospital by the time the paternity results came in. Neil convinced Karlie not to tell her frail mother the truth.

  Karlie shook her head. Her mother died not knowing that her stepfather had been the culprit. Karlie took a step, wondering if she should go down there. No one lived there. She paid to keep it maintained, but the house was otherwise unoccupied for now.

  She would go another time, she thought. That was what she told herself every time. Neil had asked her on several occasions to sell, but Karlie could not let it go. God would tell her what to do. Until then . . .

  Karlie turned and opened the gate leading up to Neil and Myra’s house. As she drew closer, she smelled Myra’s lasagna. Her mouth watered for the spicy spaghetti sauce and three-cheese combination that melted on her palate.

  As soon as she opened the door, Addison Jameson, her five-year-old sister, raced over to her. “Karlie!” Addie vaulted into Karlie’s arms.

  “Hey, what brings you here?” Myra asked as she wiped her hands on her apron. “You just missed dinner. I made lasagna. It’s wrapped in foil on the counter. Your father is in his office.”

  Karlie nodded and headed to the cabinet to retrieve a plate. She scooped a generous serving and heaped it onto her dish before grabbing a fork. Once she was finished eating, she rinsed her utensils and put them in the dishwasher.

  Neil Jameson walked in. “Look who decided to pay us a visit,” he said.

  Dressed in a short-sleeve shirt and slacks, his body was toned from hours in the gym. Judging by his tight fade, Neil had paid a recent visit to the barber. Looking at his square jaw and broad shoulders, Karlie remembered how she had wished her mother had married him. That had not happened, but Neil had adopted her as a daughter. Thomas had offered to be her guardian and moved her back to L.A. but Karlie had been miserable. She remembered her jubilation when Neil flew out to get her. Thinking of it now made Karlie smile. That was the first time she had called Neil dad.

  Every day Karlie thanked God for parents like Neil and Myra. From the moment she had moved in at sixteen, Karlie had felt right at home. They were the best parents a girl could ask for.

  Bringing her mind to the present, Karlie told Neil about her plans to take off a semester in the fall. His reaction was as she expected. Neil was cool and charming, but he was every inch Karlie’s dad.

  “Karlie, you’ve lost your mind if you think I would give you my blessing for something so preposterous. If Brian were here, I’d wring his neck for even putting such an absurd notion in your head.”

  Neil looked at her as if she were insane. Karlie resisted the urge to touch the top of her head to check to see if she had sprouted horns. She bristled on the inside but kept a respectful tone. “How do you know it wasn’t my idea?”

  Neil snorted, “It’s a no-brainer. Because frankly, you’re too smart for that. You’ve never even gotten a traffic violation, Karlie. You’re not a risk taker by nature.”

  Karlie hated how he described her. She sounded like a google-eyed librarian and not a vibrant twenty-one-year-old. She squared her shoulders. “My not being a risk taker, as you put it, explains why my song came across as bland and lifeless.”

  “Who said that?” Neil took a step back.

  “Brenda Northeimer.”

  “You actually read that junk she spews out daily under the pretense of news?”

  “Yes, yes, I do read it. My mother was a famous celebrity. I just released a song. It is top entertainment news and subject to open scrutiny and ridicule.”

  Neil flailed his hands. “Listen to you. Now you even talk like him.”

  “Who?” Karlie shook her head.

  “Brian. Since when do you use phrases like ‘subject to open scrutiny’?” Neil asked. He folded his arms like the Mr. Clean man.

  Karlie could not decide whether to be amused or insulted at his answer. “Dad, I’m educated. Brian’s not the only one with a prolific vocabulary.”

  “There you go again.” Neil arched his eyebrow.

  Was she seriously having this conversation right now? Not for a second would Karlie admit that those were indeed Brian’s terminologies. Maybe he was rubbing off on her. If so, would that be such a bad thing?

  She shook her head. “Dad, I can’t believe you’re going along with the stereotype that black people can’t speak intelligently.”

  “Leave her alone, Neil.” Myra walked into the kitchen with a bath towel drooped over her shoulder. She had just given Addie her bath. Myra meandered her way between the two of them. Though she was smaller and rounder in stature, Myra wasn’t the least bit intimidated by Neil. “I see nothing wrong with Karlie taking time off and seeing the world, so to speak. She’s young. Isn’t that what young people do?”

  “Thanks, Mother.” Karlie smiled. She bent over to kiss Myra on the cheek.

  Myra gave her a comforting pat on the back.

  “So, you’re saying that it’s okay for our daughter to go jumping out of airplanes and swimming with sharks? How many black people do you see doing that?”

  “Neil!” Myra covered her mouth. “I can’t believe you would say something like that. You sound ignorant. As the young people say nowadays, YOLO.”

  Karlie stifled a giggle. Myra considered herself hip and trendy and was pleased to be on top of the latest jargon.

  Neil gestured for her to interpret.

  “You only live once,” M
yra explained. She gave Karlie a high five.

  Neil was not backing down. “I don’t know about no YOLO or YONO, but I’m taking a stance. Karlie, you’re not gallivanting all over the United States with Brian Oakes. He needs to get his act together.”

  Karlie wanted to argue with him about that, but a part of her agreed. Brian did need to declare a major and stick with it for good this time. She crooked her head toward the clock in the kitchen. “Dad, if you don’t leave now, you’ll be late for Bible study.”

  Neil looked at his watch for confirmation before he sighed with obvious reluctance. “I’ve got to get going, but we’re not done.” He tapped the bridge of her nose. “I know you picked this time to drop your bombshell because you knew I’d have to leave. But we’re not done.”

  Karlie blinked. He knew her so well.

  “Well?”

  She smiled. “Yes, Dad. We’ll talk later.” Not if I can help it, though.

  Karlie made her way into her room and closed the door. She scanned the light purple wall lined with pictures she had taped hodge-podge to the walls, then she sank to her bed and took out her phone. Brian had not called yet. That meant he had not yet told his father.

  A message popped up. Startled, she exhaled at what she’d just read.

  If you go we are through.

  Chapter Five

  Patricia knew her husband better than he thought she did. Her smarts weren’t limited to brain surgery. Nope. She was not fooled by the plastic smile when Ryan caught her studying him. At night, she heard him grinding his teeth—a sure sign in the past that he had something on his mind. Patricia bided her time, though. She knew how to get Ryan talking. She was patient enough to give him space.

  Patricia shuddered as she remembered the last time she had felt this way. It was six years ago, but it felt like yesterday.

  “Honey, I’ve got to tell you something . . .”